LIFE.....And What It Boils Down To!

After sharing a rather characteristic story of a day in my life with some friends, I realized others may find it amusing as well. Hence, this blog.

By the way, if you are at all easily embarrassed or perhaps a male who finds talking about female anatomy awkward......stop reading NOW!! This blog entry is not for you!
(You have been warned....)

As you well know, I've had a mastectomy. The right breast was removed, which was traumatic enough. But, let me tell you about what life is like after a mastectomy.

First, their was the "temporary" breast. This consisted of a light piece of material filled with pillow stuffing. The idea is to safety pin it to the inside of your bra so it doesn't float away! Now, anyone with a pillow will tell you, when you put pressure on it, it tends to dip in. To flatten, if you will and to deform to various un-breast like positions. Not exactly attractive, I must say. Especially when you look down and one of your breast looks like an upside down ice cream cone!

I think the worst part of the "temporary" breast is sitting in your living room and having your cat run into the room with it in his mouth! Apparently, I have not bought enough toys for the little furball, so he's decided to make one out of my breast. Go figure!

After the temporary breast, you graduate to the prostethic one. This is much bigger and when you've only had a single breast removed, they weigh the prostethic down so it looks "natural" and matches your real breast (you know, the one they didn't lop off). So, now I get to wear this heavy prostethic in a bra during the middle of summer in Arizona (110 degree weather). You can't wash this thing......and after a while it can start to smell rather ripe, if you know what I mean. So, I don't tend to wear it all that often.

However, on this one particular day, I did decide to wear it. I decided to wear it to my doctor's appointment to meet my new oncologist. My mother went with me and the appointment went well. I liked the doctor, his staff, and the new treatment plan he had mapped out. After the speaking with him and the initial exam, he momentarily left the room but left the door open. His billing specialist walked in the room and asked for my insurance card so she could make a copy. I stood up off the examining table and walked over to my purse and got the card. I handed her the card and she walked out of the room. I didn't think she would take long, so I stood there waiting for her to return.

As I was talking to my mother, something caught my attention on the floor. I stood looking at it for a moment, my brain trying to register what it was. It looked familiar, yet it was foreign somehow. Couldn't quite put my finger on it..................until............light bulb goes off in my brain and I realized IT'S MY BOOB! My prostethic breast has managed to wiggle it's way out of my bra, down my shirt and onto the floor. Completely oblivious am I to all this, I don't feel a stinking thing cause guess what.....when you have a mastectomy, they cut all your nerves in your chest so you're numb!

Needless to say, my mother and I lost it. We were laughing so hard I thought we were going to pee our pants. I figuredd it was a blessing to realize that I lost that roaming, mind-of-it's-own breast thingy in the doctor's office and not when I got down to the car! Can you imagine me going back into the building asking people as I pass them if they have seen a boob wandering around somewhere?!?!?!? My mother suggested that I write on the back of it "IF FOUND, PLEASE CALL......"

Yes, this is my life now. Keeping track of a boob that has a mind of it's own. Thank you so much! By the way, my doctor suggested I get a prostethic bra......they apparently have a pocket for the roaming, mind-of-it's-own breast thingy. Again, go figure!

Well, praise God it didn't happen in church! That would have been interesting to explain.
AMEN!